Thursday, October 30, 2008
{ 7:15 AM }
it's tiring to trying to juggle everything. sigh..now i'm dead tired. there's so much going now right now..theory exam, op, j1 bash and then ogl camp. but i guess it's ending so very soon, piano this sat, op this coming monday and j1 bash next next thursday(: there's just so many things i want to do right now that i just cant wait! =(
lord, please give me strength to overcome all my difficulties.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
{ 6:03 AM }
i imagine. i really shouldnt. it'll just make me more miserable. why not just let the wind blow away my sorrows.
Monday, October 27, 2008
{ 7:49 AM }
i saw you, right here, right now(:
Sunday, October 26, 2008
{ 4:04 AM }
nobody will ever understand what i'm going through. definitely not you and you and you..maybe not even myself. you are not me, so dont judge me because in the first place, you didnt give me a chance in the first place. i wasnt given a chance to prove you wrong. and why do people always see things on the surface. no one tries to find the cause of it. nobody questions why the outcome is like this and not like that. people always see things as white and black. are they aware that there are areas of grey, areas in which we cannot define. right now, right here, i'm stuck in that area of deep grey.
Half the time the world is ending Truth is I am done pretending
Saturday, October 25, 2008
{ 7:40 AM }
when nobody gives a damn about your life what do you do? sit there and cry? or willow in self pity? hahaas..neither. you just heck care and slack even more. this is what i am doing right now. i am so indifferent to people ignoring my existence that i'm giving this i-dont-care attitude. and what do i get in return, people thinking that i dont do what i am suppose to do and just run away from all my responsibilities. why am i so useless? forever the small character never speaking up. i am such a COWard..mooo...cow..hahaas-.-" i'm heading back to the farm then..since i belong there. i'm such a COWard mah. and i must go COWard towards the farm. hahaas..this is how i tried making my life a little bit more happy. but there seems to be something lacking inside..this feeling of emptiness..i wonder when i will be filled. ok..nevermind about that. i'm always saying the same thing. Went to watch nights in rodanthe with aamilah and thendral on friday. that show is sooooo nice. although i slept in the front because it was kind of draggy at the beginning, i woke up because of thendral, and manage to catch the second half of the show. that part is the nicest(: it made me realise that we should always cherish the people we love and not take them for granted because life is so short and everything is so unexpected:(
Thursday, October 23, 2008
{ 12:50 AM }
just for you and you:
everything in life is so delicate. sometimes when you stretch out your hands and try to hold onto it, it just crumbles right in front of you. and then you find out, you have nothing left. everything on the surface looks so happy and well but yet, you are hollow, you are so empty inside you feel like dying. who will understand you? nobody. even when friends try to comfort you saying that it's ok and they understand, they are still not you. how will they understand the pain you are going through. but we are all human, even though the pains we felt are different kinds, they are all still considered pain. i feel all the pain that you felt. i understand..i really do. they are the pain that goes right through your heart and even if everything is healed, there will still be a scar. but..i believe everything will be fine. it will. because life has to go on. it wont wait. just do what you think is right..although time wont wait, your friends will. they will wait for you forever, no matter how long you take. sorry for not saying anything because i dont know what to say..but it really hurts me to see you like that. i will always hope the best for you no matter what route to decide to walk..but must carry on with your believs no matter what obstacles spring out ok?? i'll be there if you turn around, even if nobody walks with you, i will(:
and i walked the life of a stranger.
Monday, October 20, 2008
{ 6:40 AM }
i want to watch movie! but people just dont want to watch movie with me): why must we like wait and wait for people? cant we just go and watch the movie? i'm not going to wait anymore. no matter what, i'll go and watch a movie by myself..although i feel weird watching movie on my own. but i'll still go. why cant i go watch movie myself? hmpf. suddenly i feel sad for myself. come to think of it, i dont have a lot of friends. and people who really understands me, are really countable. it's just sad...maybe time really will cause people to drift apart. those days in the past..when we just said we want it and we'll just do it without hesitation. now..you people are no longer the same. i'm sorry, but maybe i'm just too lousy..sorry for bothering you..sorry for still trying to still maintain everything. i am stupid. i am so stupid to think that things and people dont change. but i'm wrong. people do change. maybe one day we walk on the street and i wont recognise you anymore. to you i dedicate this to:
Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
sorry for intruding into your wonderful life.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
{ 6:16 AM }
yay! i was wrong. i knew i was wrong. but actually i didnt. i doubted. i shouldnt have doubted. i should have faith. well, i felt so much better after finding the truth. or maybe..this mistake was just an excuse for me to forget..(: i'm happy(:(:(:
if i had believed, i should continue believing..not start to doubt.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
{ 9:32 PM }
i dont know how i felt after yesterday. =/ why should i feel so messed up anyways? actually it's no big problem. seriously. i'm just crazy..i want everything to be so perfect but i must understand that there is nothing on earth that is perfect and that there is no one on earth that is flawless. i have my flaws too..why cant others have theirs? if i believe in something, i should stick to it all the way shouldnt it? but on the other hand, i dont see what all this can and will lead to. currently, i'm confused. but i know deep inside, i'm not.
it doesnt change and may not change for a while.
Monday, October 13, 2008
{ 7:10 PM }
yesterday was a super tiring day. really tiring. almost died=/ hahaas! but it's a fun fun fun day. went to kent ridge park for recee with my pw mates. we were walking walking when it suddenly rained. but we still had to continue. we walked from one park to another, a park with the metal bridge (i dont know what's the park called though). it was fun walking on it but it was really slippery so must walk slowly. we walked and stop at places with pavillions so that we can sit down and rest. i dont know how far we walked but our finally stop was viviocity(: nice place after a super long and tiring walk(: that was the place where we ate. after a tiring morning, i met mum at the temple at around 3. we wanted to eat the desert, but it was closed. i seriously hope it's not like winding up. my mum said i was a jinx when the place which sold my favourtie la mian closed down. =( no more la main for me..oh wells. we ended up eating beancurd instead. after this we went home and the because i was too tired, i went onto the sofa and slept(: my day ended with piano lesson at night. actually piano is not that horrible after all. i mean piano theory, not the practical.
Thursday, October 09, 2008
{ 6:32 AM }
got back our maths paper today. i'm quite shocked actually. i thought i might have failed..and might have failed badly too. so we got all our papers already
my results:
gp-e
h2 chem-s
h2 physics-u
h2 maths- d
h1 lit-d
ha..but i may be retained. because of that big fat u i just earned myself. suddenly i got so tired of worrying, i just give up. next year: hi, i'm theodora from jc1.
yesterday was quite horrible. when i got back my lit, i was very happy, yet i felt kind of like whatever (something like roll your eyes moment). but chem was like super disappointed. when i got my script, i was like 42???!!!! i got an S. i studied like one month ago and i got an S-.- maybe it's because i just read through? =P i was totally flabbergasted. and when i leave the lt, i almost broke into tears. so for the whole day i was like low low low low. songs which tell of a hero passing by and saving you by giving you strength and hope are lies. lies made to make us feel better. i no longer believe in those anymore. i'm my own hero. luckily there were nice people around. maybe they are the heroes. thank you so much for yesterday(: i love my friends(:(:(:
maybe you're not like how i thought you to be. i just protrayed you to be how i want you to look. it feels so much better knowing this fact. but its still hard..
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
{ 6:05 AM }
maybe it's not that bad after all. at least i still have a tiny chance of getting promoted/advanced. i passed my gp. although it's not a good pass, like smack 45, it's still a pass right? actually i'm contented, but there's this feeling bugging inside me. everyone's doing so well like getting d and c but me? i'm just struggling to pass. i have been feeling rather pathetic. actually it's more of feeling stupid. well, what more can i say? i asked for a pass and god gave me a pass. i am thankful. really am.
this few days have really been a roller coaster. and i am still on the roller coaster. thanks-to everyone who tried to convince me that i will not be retained(: i feel so much better because of you people.
Monday, October 06, 2008
{ 5:10 AM }
i'm a soon-to-be retainee of mjc. is this a piece of good news? i feel like it's the end of the world.
reason why being a retainee is not good:
#1 seperated from my class friends like thendral and yinmei
#2 have to quit council meaning i'll have to leave my council friends
#3 must get used to a new group of people and maybe a new environment (cca)
#4 teacher may pick on you
#5 ego problem because you're now studying with people younger than you so you feel a lot more inferior
#6 there's a higher chance of me getting kicked out of the school for not doing well at the end of my second promo next year and then end up in no where (no school at all).
#7 my mother will be more worried for me and my future and be more stringent towards me and everything i will do.
#8 get nagged at (keep on reminding me about how stupid i am) whenever i do something wrong (even if it doesn't concern my studies at all)
#9 i'll be even further away from you
but really, why should i feel like that? actually getting retained isn't that bad after all.
reason why being a retainee is good:
#1 get to make new friends
#2 get to start all over again including choosing my subjects, ccas and learning of the A levels cirricular
#3 since i have already learnt whatever i am going to learn again, i should understand everything better and do much better than how i just did
#4 can work on my foundation so i have a stronger foundation for the important exam
#5 i won't feel the stress when my ex peers are preparing for their A levels
#6 get to enjoy myself when my ex peers are busy mugging their ass off for their many mini tests or major block test.
well, people are coping with this well why can't i do the same too? i am sure i can do it and i'll do it much better. but, i don't want to waste just another year repeating the same old thing. i want to move on. i don't want to waste my parents' money. oh god, please just let me get promoted. or advance at worse..
things i'll do if i get promoted:
#1 spend my holidays revising all that have been covered throughout the year
#2 do more practice questions
#3 clarify any doubts i have with any subjects especially physics
#4 read both my literature texts
please god, let me get promoted. i want to mug my ass of with my friends next year.
